A Beautiful Morning

I had one of the most wonderful experiences this morning... it started off bad but I managed to turn it into something positive. It was 2 am and I didn't have a ride back from work, and I didn't really want to ask anyone for any favors,  so frustrated with my situation, I cried. I cried until it was out of my system. Then I stayed in silence for a while, accepted my situation and decided to deal with it. And I did!  I handled my shit like a boss.  I waited till 6 am when there started to be some daylight and I walked it all the way home! It was about 2 hours but it was so worth it. I wasn't really sure how to get home or which way to go, but I found my way by remembering where my mom drives by on the daily.  It was such a lovely walk, made me feel so grateful.  It was really cold but I managed to push through. I pepped talked myself through the whole thing. I felt so self sufficient and independent. I was loving this spontaneous morning walk. It was so nice to see the sun start to come into view, see the people leaving for work, starting their mornings, walking their dogs, and just living. It was all so harmonious. I finally made it home and wasn't even mad or upset anymore. It was so refreshing. It's up to us to take what we get and turn it into something positive. There I was one moment feeling so frustrated and in this negative place, and then I was out and about, my face numb from the cold, but I was smiling, many things happen for a reason, and it felt so nice to walk from mission valley to my home in city heights. I felt so grateful, and so empowered, so in control. It was such a refreshing feeling and I loved it. I loved even more how well I handled it all. Sure I cried initially but I do that, I'm an emotional human being, I may not be sensitive but shit takes a toll on me sometimes, but expressing emotion is so good. It's like expunging out the negative bullshit that's holding you back and after sitting there for a bit, accepting the situation in which we are in and doing something about it. I made up my mind to wait, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and nothing feels better than seeing your determination through. It came to be one of the best mornings I have ever encountered, which lead to a pretty good day. I feel blessed. 

J. A. Burgundy 

December 2015

I Don't Hate You

I don't hate you 
Not anymore

I think of you, 

and I don't feel anger anymore

I see you, 

and I feel saddened 
Saddened by everything we've gone through

I look at you after so long

There's dark circles surrounding your eyes

Your skin so pale almost white

You bring that death stick up to your lips

You inhale and blow it in my face

Yet no matter how much you try

I can still see you wanna cry

Behind that cloud of smoke you try to hide

But I know you too well

You do admit to still loving me

You say that you miss me 

Then you smile and laugh

I can't help but remember how much I loved you

You get serious again

I can't stop looking at you

I look down to your hand

It's still there and I ask

"Why haven't you covered it up?"

The heart inked in your skin 

It embraces the letters inside

The letters that honored me

You stutter and hesitate

"I haven't had the time"

Lie. 

Tears form in my eyes

I don't hate you 
Not anymore..

I'm just saddened about what was 

and what couldn't be

The illusion of you and me

You hate me

For ending things

and for that I am sorry

But we were always meant to be a beautiful tragedy

J. A. Burgundy

December 2015

On the Outside

Frustrated
Helpless
I'm feeling useless
I know
I have the control
The power
But that means nothing
When it comes down to those around me
I can't control them
I can't force them
To understand
To see things the way I see them
I can't give them my mentality
My strength
My advice falls weak
Words have no meaning
They're still hurting
He's still in pain
She's still suffering
They're in this maze
Lost
Nothing I say or do can help them out.
I feel useless
Helpless
Frustrated

J. A. Burgundy

December 2015

From Hate to Love, and Love to Hate

Here we go again
Hoping and pleading
Everything works out perfectly
This time
Then it hits me
The venom
Spreads and seeps through me
Everything begins to crumble inside
My walls they twitch they break
They begin to tumble
The venom poisons every happy thought
All the love between us
It corrupts.
Love turns to hate
Hope to deception
Romance to vengeance
I swear I never knew I was cruel
Never, Till I met you
I want to hurt you, Destroy you
Put you down,Throw you down
So far down you can't climb back up
Then laugh, Laugh sadistically
At you grasping Desperately
Trying to get out
You're reaching for me
Pleading for me 
Begging me to stop
I laugh some more
Pathetic.
That's what you get.
Depending on me?
You should've known better
Should've saw it coming
I did.
I knew better than to trust you
Trust you full heartedly
Completely
You didn't deserve it
What's this?
You still love me?
Please, I'm over it
Don't care for it
Time passes..
You aren't the same anymore?
You've changed?
Promises?
Hope...?
Oh goodness!
Yes,  okay let's do it!
Me and you against the world baby!
Me and you against them
Promise me, Never against us
Yes yes a million times yes!
I can see it all now, Our love so true
Feels so right inside
We're gonna make it this time
... what?
Insecurities again??
Insults and abuse?
You don't trust me?
You want me as your possession.
You'll be my destruction!
You promised....
You swore you wouldn't!
Said it'd be different..
You lied!!
What's worse,  I fell for it, again!
Selfish is what you are
Always believing the world revolves around you
You ready??
Don't test me !
You'll come back begging for me
Always making a mess of things
Expecting to be forgiven
Forgive and forget
Forget the past you say
Let's focus on the now you say
Oh of course my love
But you see,
you're still the same shit you used to be
Therefore then is now and now is then
And you were warned
I ain't doing this shit again
You were warned
I said don't push me!!
You'll regret it
Keep doing it see what happens
See who'll get the worst end of it
Oh you need me??
I'm you're reason for being?
Your happiness??
Aw my love...
Too little too late!
The venom, I can feel it..
The venom poisons every happy thought
all the love between us
It corrupts.
Love turns to hate
Hope to deception
Romance to vengeance
I swear I never knew I was cruel
Never, Till I met you.

J. A. Burgundy

May 2015

Wine, Whiskey, & the Color Burgundy

How to not think of you with pretty city lights 

The beautiful shimmer in the water at night

How can my mind not wander

You're in the moon and the stars

You're this colliding perfection

A  true wonder I never expected

You're a shooting star on a magical night, in a magical moment 

How to tell my soul not to recognize 

The beautiful melody that is us

A saxophone playing a sweet sultry sound 

You're in every note

Everywhere I dare to truly look

I'm with you and I feel a freedom 

A liberty I never knew of

You're a breath of fresh air

A walk on the beach

You're such a wonderful being

Your smile so illuminating

Your soul the just amount of crazy insanity

Full of adventure and spontaneity 

You're a glass of wine, and a shot of whiskey 

You're the color of burgundy

J. A. Burgundy

October 2015

EX

Ex
Ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, ex best friend
To you who promised,
Always and forever, forever and always
I guess that 'always' of yours
comes with an expiration date
And that 'forever' was never truly meant
Through thick and thin you said
But I guess my thin was too thin
My thick too thick
Because you couldn't handle it
To you my darling ex
"Fuck you, you ain't shit"
That's what I wanna say
But then again
You obviously meant shit
I obviously loved and adored you
Hence my anger and spite towards you
I Find it funny
How you post your feelings so publicly
Always making me out to be the bad guy
Right ?
Boo who
Talking bout how I hurt you
How I  didn't care and shit
Talking bout how I did you wrong
But you slacking on saying who screwed who all along
Talking bout how I chose someone over you
When all I ever did was appreciate you
You're Telling me how I meant the world to you
I guess to you the world
was more like a little toy globe
Because I didn't mean enough
Since now we're not even friends
And I got your ass blocked.
Hope my words feel like a cold ass slap
Feel what I felt.
Taste that blood of betrayal
That knife in my back
I now return it right back
Feel what I feel.
When you couldn't get me
When hurting me was easier than trying to comfort me
I pushed you away I know.
Thought you'd be better off.
But then you went and fucked up
How's it feel ?
Someone you loved
Isn't who you thought
You said you loved me
We dreamed of endless adventures
Traveling,
Seeing the world together,
Growing old together
Fuck you! For making me feel I could count on you
Making me depend on you
Giving me so much of you
Then taking it away
Then you go on and be the worst
A hypocrite
Talking bout all you did for me
Like I never stood by you
As if me comforting you
When the world turned its back on you
Was nothing. Like I meant nothing.
As if it was a one sided relationship
Does what I did for you not count ?
My love is somehow no longer valid ?
To you my ex
I say, Fuck you.
For being a damn liar
For being so damn deceitful.
I put you on a damn pedestal.
Now I look down on you
Back at you
Disgust and disappointment
Why make promises you can't keep?
Why not act on what you preach?
To you my ex
I'll never be replaced.
I hope you think of me
Every day every moment
I hope regret comes to greet you
When you look back on how you left me
In an ocean of madness. Drowning.
When you see I made it out alive.
Without you. 
Because that love of yours
Wasn't strong enough
And I wasn't worthy enough
I was too damned
Too broken
A natural disaster.
You couldn't stand by me any longer.
To you my ex
Wish you the best
 I guess

J. A. Burgundy

August 2015

Loving You

Loving you
Was like trying to tame a hurricane
It was us against each other
It was me trying to protect the home we built
Hoping you wouldn't hit
It was watching you take it up in your winds
In your waters of rage and fury
It was me trying to rebuild what was left
Just so you'd come and destroy it all over again
Loving you...
Was like gambling against what I knew would be the outcome
Letting you sweet talk me into believing
In a happy ending.

J. A. Burgundy

January 2015

You Never Believed Me

So many times I told you
How much I loved you
That my love was real and true
In so desperately trying to convince you
I tore my heart right out to show you
As if it would be written
As if it would be validated
I smiled, my smile faded
You still didn't believe me
I stood there breathing
Heavily then lightly
Why didn't you believe me?
My breathing almost fading
Till there was nothing
Just my heart in my hands
You crying over my sudden lack of breath

As if you had nothing to do with it

As if you were oblivious to what caused my death.

J. A. Burgundy

September 2015