Nothing Lasts Forever

That's why there's so much heartbreak. Because we're foolish enough to believe that what we have with someone will outlast time... but it doesn't.

J. A. Burgundy 

JUNE 2016

Alien

He's not real
He can't be
If he is
He can't be from this planet
The way he looks at me
The way he is
So surreal
He lives on excess
He's wild
He's an explosion of neon colors
A cloud of blue smoke
He drives wonder
Like the stars in the night sky
Appears shallow
Until you peek & see deep dark Waters
He's open, he's free
Yet such a mystery
A major contradiction
Just like me

J. A. Burgundy 

June 2016

Bullets Made of Glass

Shots fired
To keep on going, keep on fighting
Or let this be the final ending
Here I am looking back
How I stood up and laughed
Bleeding, broken, and damaged
Now scars remain
Shards of glass Embedded in my skin
Barely visible they seem
Then days come where I appear
To haven't truly healed
The shattered pieces
Of those bullets
Within the deepest crevices
Of my seemingly eternal aching soul
So I come to wonder...
Does the ghost of your hurt ever disappear?

J. A. Burgundy

February 2016

I Was Wrong

So stuck on my yesterday
I was a prisoner of my past
So lost, and hoping it would last
Swearing only a little longer
It will get better, it has to get better
Fighting for so hard for so long
One starts to believe hurting makes us strong
That we must suffer to make it worth it
If we've come so far, we gotta make it
I was wrong
Loving someone shouldn't have to be so hard
Love has it's challenges
Though it should be life testing you
Not the person who swears to love you
And just because someone believes they love you
Doesn't mean their love is pure and true
Who loves you won't hurt, or betray you
It's sad one sustains so much
Believing they're in love
It takes them to lose everything
To have nothing
To realize their attempts were in vain
Nothing changed
That in the end
It's just you who no longer is the same
The hurt and pain
The mental and emotional abuse
It sure as hell changes you
You're not the same as to when it all started
You come out a different person
Damaged and broken.

J. A. Burgundy

August 2015

Why Did They Die So Quickly?

Why did they die?
They didn't last
They never do
But this time,
They died quickly
I watch them now
As the tips slowly turn brown
Then a dark red
So tainted
Must have been the venom
Those words of insults you spat at me
The anger, the hate, the grudges
I tried to tell you
To warn you
But you never listen do you?
You say it's okay
That it's not too late
They can still be saved
You can keep buying me roses
But take notice
Starting over, a fresh beginning
Isn't the remedy
You're toxic
You bring death
Upon all you say to love
It was never love was it?
It was a sick twisted fantasy obsession
You're love wasn't pure.
Because it wasn't even love
It was something else
Love is what feeds flowers to be
How come you're beautiful roses are wilting?
Yet my Momma's Lilies she gave to me
Are still standing beautifully?
It is because she loves me
The kind of love that is pure
Open, forgiving, not tainted
It's genuine.
Surely there's a difference I know it
Ours was a more passionate affair
Yet call me naive if you will
If you please, I mean
I believe in a happy living
We never had that harmony
No bliss, no peace,  no happy beginning, no happy ending.
And that is why
They died.
Why they died so quickly.

J. A. Burgundy

June 2015

That Bad

Was I truly that bad?
You always acted
As if I had always done it
Like I always hurt you
No matter what I said or did
You were always wounded
Always made me feel bad for it
Like I was such a horrible person
Were we really that bad?
Always pointing the finger at the other
Swearing the fault was not ours
It had to be you
You thought it was me
If that's true, tell me something
Why did you insist on me so much?
Being with me left you tormented
As it left me tortured
It drove me crazy
It made you insane
Did we love each other that bad?
We spent more time hurting
Than we did smiling
But when we smiled...
We felt so lucky and in love
We swore we were each others true love
Why if we were all that bad
Why did we want each other so bad
You never accepted me
I never settled for you
Yet we remained persistent
We were left angry hurt and tortured
But we couldn't bring ourselves to regret
That our love had existed
That everything that happened happened
Because it was really that bad.

J. A. Burgundy

September 2015

EX: Phase ||

I guess 

I guess I was too dumb, too naive
Obviously since in you I believed.
I believed that you loved me
Genuinely cared for me
Regardless of how you'd treat me
I accepted your strong stubborn personality
I guess in a way you really did love me
But not the way I loved you
I accepted you and your breathtaking flaws 
I took your bad with the good
Because to me it all complemented you
Never dared to try and change you
Nothing you'd say nothing you'd do
Made me question or doubt you
Constantly defended you
Explained that they didn't know you
That there was a deeper side to you
A beautiful side
This stunning light
Anger seeped through me when tears filled your eyes
Because some shit hurt you
You don't realize what I wanted to do 
To everyone who made you cry
To anyone who brought hurt & pain into your life
I don't think you'll ever truly understand
How hurt and pained I now am
You turned your back
On all we had
You allowed your stubbornness
guide your actions
You followed your set mind
And you hurt me without thinking twice
You said ride or die
But you kicked me out to to the curb
In the middle of the night
I stood there, watching you drive by
A child with her bear in hand
Half asleep trying to understand
Why?
Why do we love so deeply?
So profoundly ?
Why do we believe in loving
How did someone you knew so well
Trusted with all your will
Just turn into someone into something
Something you never saw coming
An enemy.
To you my darling ex
I may be alone in the dark
Where you left me in black of night
But I'll find a way, I'll find the light
Then I'll find you
Just to show you
How I became the coldest of winters
How my heart turned to ice
And I'll Destroy who you thought I was, without thinking twice
As you once did
And You'll regret it.

J. A. Burgundy

August 2015

119

Oh blue, light blue
You saw, didn't you?
There's no point in keeping the truth

    not from you, not from you

It was about ten thirty

When he came around looking for me 

At first, I was nervous 

In the end, I was happy to see him

His eyes would linger

His smile that gave way

I knew he was happy to see me

He came close, real close

His lips there before mine

He retreated, smiling

He was troubled, I could see

Seducing, and then he was retreating

Debating, whether what he was doing

Then he came close again

Three, four times this went

Tempting me, making me think

Making me feel, feelings

Once more, "Don't help me fight it."

he whispered as he pulled me into him

Then it happened..

Our mouths uniting, becoming one

Colliding, our lips connected...

Every single lingering moment I adored...

Then it was over "Never again" he promised

I have no regrets

Just that it wont ever again.

J. A. Burgundy 

December 2013

A Beautiful Morning

I had one of the most wonderful experiences this morning... it started off bad but I managed to turn it into something positive. It was 2 am and I didn't have a ride back from work, and I didn't really want to ask anyone for any favors,  so frustrated with my situation, I cried. I cried until it was out of my system. Then I stayed in silence for a while, accepted my situation and decided to deal with it. And I did!  I handled my shit like a boss.  I waited till 6 am when there started to be some daylight and I walked it all the way home! It was about 2 hours but it was so worth it. I wasn't really sure how to get home or which way to go, but I found my way by remembering where my mom drives by on the daily.  It was such a lovely walk, made me feel so grateful.  It was really cold but I managed to push through. I pepped talked myself through the whole thing. I felt so self sufficient and independent. I was loving this spontaneous morning walk. It was so nice to see the sun start to come into view, see the people leaving for work, starting their mornings, walking their dogs, and just living. It was all so harmonious. I finally made it home and wasn't even mad or upset anymore. It was so refreshing. It's up to us to take what we get and turn it into something positive. There I was one moment feeling so frustrated and in this negative place, and then I was out and about, my face numb from the cold, but I was smiling, many things happen for a reason, and it felt so nice to walk from mission valley to my home in city heights. I felt so grateful, and so empowered, so in control. It was such a refreshing feeling and I loved it. I loved even more how well I handled it all. Sure I cried initially but I do that, I'm an emotional human being, I may not be sensitive but shit takes a toll on me sometimes, but expressing emotion is so good. It's like expunging out the negative bullshit that's holding you back and after sitting there for a bit, accepting the situation in which we are in and doing something about it. I made up my mind to wait, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and nothing feels better than seeing your determination through. It came to be one of the best mornings I have ever encountered, which lead to a pretty good day. I feel blessed. 

J. A. Burgundy 

December 2015

I Don't Hate You

I don't hate you 
Not anymore

I think of you, 

and I don't feel anger anymore

I see you, 

and I feel saddened 
Saddened by everything we've gone through

I look at you after so long

There's dark circles surrounding your eyes

Your skin so pale almost white

You bring that death stick up to your lips

You inhale and blow it in my face

Yet no matter how much you try

I can still see you wanna cry

Behind that cloud of smoke you try to hide

But I know you too well

You do admit to still loving me

You say that you miss me 

Then you smile and laugh

I can't help but remember how much I loved you

You get serious again

I can't stop looking at you

I look down to your hand

It's still there and I ask

"Why haven't you covered it up?"

The heart inked in your skin 

It embraces the letters inside

The letters that honored me

You stutter and hesitate

"I haven't had the time"

Lie. 

Tears form in my eyes

I don't hate you 
Not anymore..

I'm just saddened about what was 

and what couldn't be

The illusion of you and me

You hate me

For ending things

and for that I am sorry

But we were always meant to be a beautiful tragedy

J. A. Burgundy

December 2015