That Bad

Was I truly that bad?
You always acted
As if I had always done it
Like I always hurt you
No matter what I said or did
You were always wounded
Always made me feel bad for it
Like I was such a horrible person
Were we really that bad?
Always pointing the finger at the other
Swearing the fault was not ours
It had to be you
You thought it was me
If that's true, tell me something
Why did you insist on me so much?
Being with me left you tormented
As it left me tortured
It drove me crazy
It made you insane
Did we love each other that bad?
We spent more time hurting
Than we did smiling
But when we smiled...
We felt so lucky and in love
We swore we were each others true love
Why if we were all that bad
Why did we want each other so bad
You never accepted me
I never settled for you
Yet we remained persistent
We were left angry hurt and tortured
But we couldn't bring ourselves to regret
That our love had existed
That everything that happened happened
Because it was really that bad.

J. A. Burgundy

September 2015

EX: Phase ||

I guess 

I guess I was too dumb, too naive
Obviously since in you I believed.
I believed that you loved me
Genuinely cared for me
Regardless of how you'd treat me
I accepted your strong stubborn personality
I guess in a way you really did love me
But not the way I loved you
I accepted you and your breathtaking flaws 
I took your bad with the good
Because to me it all complemented you
Never dared to try and change you
Nothing you'd say nothing you'd do
Made me question or doubt you
Constantly defended you
Explained that they didn't know you
That there was a deeper side to you
A beautiful side
This stunning light
Anger seeped through me when tears filled your eyes
Because some shit hurt you
You don't realize what I wanted to do 
To everyone who made you cry
To anyone who brought hurt & pain into your life
I don't think you'll ever truly understand
How hurt and pained I now am
You turned your back
On all we had
You allowed your stubbornness
guide your actions
You followed your set mind
And you hurt me without thinking twice
You said ride or die
But you kicked me out to to the curb
In the middle of the night
I stood there, watching you drive by
A child with her bear in hand
Half asleep trying to understand
Why?
Why do we love so deeply?
So profoundly ?
Why do we believe in loving
How did someone you knew so well
Trusted with all your will
Just turn into someone into something
Something you never saw coming
An enemy.
To you my darling ex
I may be alone in the dark
Where you left me in black of night
But I'll find a way, I'll find the light
Then I'll find you
Just to show you
How I became the coldest of winters
How my heart turned to ice
And I'll Destroy who you thought I was, without thinking twice
As you once did
And You'll regret it.

J. A. Burgundy

August 2015

119

Oh blue, light blue
You saw, didn't you?
There's no point in keeping the truth

    not from you, not from you

It was about ten thirty

When he came around looking for me 

At first, I was nervous 

In the end, I was happy to see him

His eyes would linger

His smile that gave way

I knew he was happy to see me

He came close, real close

His lips there before mine

He retreated, smiling

He was troubled, I could see

Seducing, and then he was retreating

Debating, whether what he was doing

Then he came close again

Three, four times this went

Tempting me, making me think

Making me feel, feelings

Once more, "Don't help me fight it."

he whispered as he pulled me into him

Then it happened..

Our mouths uniting, becoming one

Colliding, our lips connected...

Every single lingering moment I adored...

Then it was over "Never again" he promised

I have no regrets

Just that it wont ever again.

J. A. Burgundy 

December 2013

A Beautiful Morning

I had one of the most wonderful experiences this morning... it started off bad but I managed to turn it into something positive. It was 2 am and I didn't have a ride back from work, and I didn't really want to ask anyone for any favors,  so frustrated with my situation, I cried. I cried until it was out of my system. Then I stayed in silence for a while, accepted my situation and decided to deal with it. And I did!  I handled my shit like a boss.  I waited till 6 am when there started to be some daylight and I walked it all the way home! It was about 2 hours but it was so worth it. I wasn't really sure how to get home or which way to go, but I found my way by remembering where my mom drives by on the daily.  It was such a lovely walk, made me feel so grateful.  It was really cold but I managed to push through. I pepped talked myself through the whole thing. I felt so self sufficient and independent. I was loving this spontaneous morning walk. It was so nice to see the sun start to come into view, see the people leaving for work, starting their mornings, walking their dogs, and just living. It was all so harmonious. I finally made it home and wasn't even mad or upset anymore. It was so refreshing. It's up to us to take what we get and turn it into something positive. There I was one moment feeling so frustrated and in this negative place, and then I was out and about, my face numb from the cold, but I was smiling, many things happen for a reason, and it felt so nice to walk from mission valley to my home in city heights. I felt so grateful, and so empowered, so in control. It was such a refreshing feeling and I loved it. I loved even more how well I handled it all. Sure I cried initially but I do that, I'm an emotional human being, I may not be sensitive but shit takes a toll on me sometimes, but expressing emotion is so good. It's like expunging out the negative bullshit that's holding you back and after sitting there for a bit, accepting the situation in which we are in and doing something about it. I made up my mind to wait, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and nothing feels better than seeing your determination through. It came to be one of the best mornings I have ever encountered, which lead to a pretty good day. I feel blessed. 

J. A. Burgundy 

December 2015

I Don't Hate You

I don't hate you 
Not anymore

I think of you, 

and I don't feel anger anymore

I see you, 

and I feel saddened 
Saddened by everything we've gone through

I look at you after so long

There's dark circles surrounding your eyes

Your skin so pale almost white

You bring that death stick up to your lips

You inhale and blow it in my face

Yet no matter how much you try

I can still see you wanna cry

Behind that cloud of smoke you try to hide

But I know you too well

You do admit to still loving me

You say that you miss me 

Then you smile and laugh

I can't help but remember how much I loved you

You get serious again

I can't stop looking at you

I look down to your hand

It's still there and I ask

"Why haven't you covered it up?"

The heart inked in your skin 

It embraces the letters inside

The letters that honored me

You stutter and hesitate

"I haven't had the time"

Lie. 

Tears form in my eyes

I don't hate you 
Not anymore..

I'm just saddened about what was 

and what couldn't be

The illusion of you and me

You hate me

For ending things

and for that I am sorry

But we were always meant to be a beautiful tragedy

J. A. Burgundy

December 2015