That Bad

Was I truly that bad?
You always acted
As if I had always done it
Like I always hurt you
No matter what I said or did
You were always wounded
Always made me feel bad for it
Like I was such a horrible person
Were we really that bad?
Always pointing the finger at the other
Swearing the fault was not ours
It had to be you
You thought it was me
If that's true, tell me something
Why did you insist on me so much?
Being with me left you tormented
As it left me tortured
It drove me crazy
It made you insane
Did we love each other that bad?
We spent more time hurting
Than we did smiling
But when we smiled...
We felt so lucky and in love
We swore we were each others true love
Why if we were all that bad
Why did we want each other so bad
You never accepted me
I never settled for you
Yet we remained persistent
We were left angry hurt and tortured
But we couldn't bring ourselves to regret
That our love had existed
That everything that happened happened
Because it was really that bad.

J. A. Burgundy

September 2015

EX: Phase ||

I guess 

I guess I was too dumb, too naive
Obviously since in you I believed.
I believed that you loved me
Genuinely cared for me
Regardless of how you'd treat me
I accepted your strong stubborn personality
I guess in a way you really did love me
But not the way I loved you
I accepted you and your breathtaking flaws 
I took your bad with the good
Because to me it all complemented you
Never dared to try and change you
Nothing you'd say nothing you'd do
Made me question or doubt you
Constantly defended you
Explained that they didn't know you
That there was a deeper side to you
A beautiful side
This stunning light
Anger seeped through me when tears filled your eyes
Because some shit hurt you
You don't realize what I wanted to do 
To everyone who made you cry
To anyone who brought hurt & pain into your life
I don't think you'll ever truly understand
How hurt and pained I now am
You turned your back
On all we had
You allowed your stubbornness
guide your actions
You followed your set mind
And you hurt me without thinking twice
You said ride or die
But you kicked me out to to the curb
In the middle of the night
I stood there, watching you drive by
A child with her bear in hand
Half asleep trying to understand
Why?
Why do we love so deeply?
So profoundly ?
Why do we believe in loving
How did someone you knew so well
Trusted with all your will
Just turn into someone into something
Something you never saw coming
An enemy.
To you my darling ex
I may be alone in the dark
Where you left me in black of night
But I'll find a way, I'll find the light
Then I'll find you
Just to show you
How I became the coldest of winters
How my heart turned to ice
And I'll Destroy who you thought I was, without thinking twice
As you once did
And You'll regret it.

J. A. Burgundy

August 2015

119

Oh blue, light blue
You saw, didn't you?
There's no point in keeping the truth

    not from you, not from you

It was about ten thirty

When he came around looking for me 

At first, I was nervous 

In the end, I was happy to see him

His eyes would linger

His smile that gave way

I knew he was happy to see me

He came close, real close

His lips there before mine

He retreated, smiling

He was troubled, I could see

Seducing, and then he was retreating

Debating, whether what he was doing

Then he came close again

Three, four times this went

Tempting me, making me think

Making me feel, feelings

Once more, "Don't help me fight it."

he whispered as he pulled me into him

Then it happened..

Our mouths uniting, becoming one

Colliding, our lips connected...

Every single lingering moment I adored...

Then it was over "Never again" he promised

I have no regrets

Just that it wont ever again.

J. A. Burgundy 

December 2013

A Beautiful Morning

I had one of the most wonderful experiences this morning... it started off bad but I managed to turn it into something positive. It was 2 am and I didn't have a ride back from work, and I didn't really want to ask anyone for any favors,  so frustrated with my situation, I cried. I cried until it was out of my system. Then I stayed in silence for a while, accepted my situation and decided to deal with it. And I did!  I handled my shit like a boss.  I waited till 6 am when there started to be some daylight and I walked it all the way home! It was about 2 hours but it was so worth it. I wasn't really sure how to get home or which way to go, but I found my way by remembering where my mom drives by on the daily.  It was such a lovely walk, made me feel so grateful.  It was really cold but I managed to push through. I pepped talked myself through the whole thing. I felt so self sufficient and independent. I was loving this spontaneous morning walk. It was so nice to see the sun start to come into view, see the people leaving for work, starting their mornings, walking their dogs, and just living. It was all so harmonious. I finally made it home and wasn't even mad or upset anymore. It was so refreshing. It's up to us to take what we get and turn it into something positive. There I was one moment feeling so frustrated and in this negative place, and then I was out and about, my face numb from the cold, but I was smiling, many things happen for a reason, and it felt so nice to walk from mission valley to my home in city heights. I felt so grateful, and so empowered, so in control. It was such a refreshing feeling and I loved it. I loved even more how well I handled it all. Sure I cried initially but I do that, I'm an emotional human being, I may not be sensitive but shit takes a toll on me sometimes, but expressing emotion is so good. It's like expunging out the negative bullshit that's holding you back and after sitting there for a bit, accepting the situation in which we are in and doing something about it. I made up my mind to wait, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, and nothing feels better than seeing your determination through. It came to be one of the best mornings I have ever encountered, which lead to a pretty good day. I feel blessed. 

J. A. Burgundy 

December 2015

I Don't Hate You

I don't hate you 
Not anymore

I think of you, 

and I don't feel anger anymore

I see you, 

and I feel saddened 
Saddened by everything we've gone through

I look at you after so long

There's dark circles surrounding your eyes

Your skin so pale almost white

You bring that death stick up to your lips

You inhale and blow it in my face

Yet no matter how much you try

I can still see you wanna cry

Behind that cloud of smoke you try to hide

But I know you too well

You do admit to still loving me

You say that you miss me 

Then you smile and laugh

I can't help but remember how much I loved you

You get serious again

I can't stop looking at you

I look down to your hand

It's still there and I ask

"Why haven't you covered it up?"

The heart inked in your skin 

It embraces the letters inside

The letters that honored me

You stutter and hesitate

"I haven't had the time"

Lie. 

Tears form in my eyes

I don't hate you 
Not anymore..

I'm just saddened about what was 

and what couldn't be

The illusion of you and me

You hate me

For ending things

and for that I am sorry

But we were always meant to be a beautiful tragedy

J. A. Burgundy

December 2015

On the Outside

Frustrated
Helpless
I'm feeling useless
I know
I have the control
The power
But that means nothing
When it comes down to those around me
I can't control them
I can't force them
To understand
To see things the way I see them
I can't give them my mentality
My strength
My advice falls weak
Words have no meaning
They're still hurting
He's still in pain
She's still suffering
They're in this maze
Lost
Nothing I say or do can help them out.
I feel useless
Helpless
Frustrated

J. A. Burgundy

December 2015

From Hate to Love, and Love to Hate

Here we go again
Hoping and pleading
Everything works out perfectly
This time
Then it hits me
The venom
Spreads and seeps through me
Everything begins to crumble inside
My walls they twitch they break
They begin to tumble
The venom poisons every happy thought
All the love between us
It corrupts.
Love turns to hate
Hope to deception
Romance to vengeance
I swear I never knew I was cruel
Never, Till I met you
I want to hurt you, Destroy you
Put you down,Throw you down
So far down you can't climb back up
Then laugh, Laugh sadistically
At you grasping Desperately
Trying to get out
You're reaching for me
Pleading for me 
Begging me to stop
I laugh some more
Pathetic.
That's what you get.
Depending on me?
You should've known better
Should've saw it coming
I did.
I knew better than to trust you
Trust you full heartedly
Completely
You didn't deserve it
What's this?
You still love me?
Please, I'm over it
Don't care for it
Time passes..
You aren't the same anymore?
You've changed?
Promises?
Hope...?
Oh goodness!
Yes,  okay let's do it!
Me and you against the world baby!
Me and you against them
Promise me, Never against us
Yes yes a million times yes!
I can see it all now, Our love so true
Feels so right inside
We're gonna make it this time
... what?
Insecurities again??
Insults and abuse?
You don't trust me?
You want me as your possession.
You'll be my destruction!
You promised....
You swore you wouldn't!
Said it'd be different..
You lied!!
What's worse,  I fell for it, again!
Selfish is what you are
Always believing the world revolves around you
You ready??
Don't test me !
You'll come back begging for me
Always making a mess of things
Expecting to be forgiven
Forgive and forget
Forget the past you say
Let's focus on the now you say
Oh of course my love
But you see,
you're still the same shit you used to be
Therefore then is now and now is then
And you were warned
I ain't doing this shit again
You were warned
I said don't push me!!
You'll regret it
Keep doing it see what happens
See who'll get the worst end of it
Oh you need me??
I'm you're reason for being?
Your happiness??
Aw my love...
Too little too late!
The venom, I can feel it..
The venom poisons every happy thought
all the love between us
It corrupts.
Love turns to hate
Hope to deception
Romance to vengeance
I swear I never knew I was cruel
Never, Till I met you.

J. A. Burgundy

May 2015

Wine, Whiskey, & the Color Burgundy

How to not think of you with pretty city lights 

The beautiful shimmer in the water at night

How can my mind not wander

You're in the moon and the stars

You're this colliding perfection

A  true wonder I never expected

You're a shooting star on a magical night, in a magical moment 

How to tell my soul not to recognize 

The beautiful melody that is us

A saxophone playing a sweet sultry sound 

You're in every note

Everywhere I dare to truly look

I'm with you and I feel a freedom 

A liberty I never knew of

You're a breath of fresh air

A walk on the beach

You're such a wonderful being

Your smile so illuminating

Your soul the just amount of crazy insanity

Full of adventure and spontaneity 

You're a glass of wine, and a shot of whiskey 

You're the color of burgundy

J. A. Burgundy

October 2015